Fear not, blags — while it has been about a month since my last post, I return to you now, beaten, bloodied, and wearing the sweat of my travails proudly and yes, stinkily, because sweat smells (even metaphorical sweat). It has been a month of much work and some play; the work was hard and the play was often followed by headaches that I refuse to admit were hangovers. I don’t get hungover. Never have, never will.

“But BLAG,” you say. “BLAG is your work.” To which I respond: what a confusing statement. Am I the BLAG, or do I write the BLAG? Or am I the editorial staff of the BLAG? How many of me are there? Is the BLAG something that can be defined? Maybe it’s whatever you, the reader, wants it to be!

I have answers to none of these questions, save for the last: No. I write the BLAG. It’s whatever I want it to be. You want a blog that’s whatever you want it to be, go to WordPress, sign up, and put all this hard work into it. Or use Tumblr, if you’re a pussy.

So, there you have it. BLAG is work, but I don’t get paid for it, so it’s not my top priority. Now you know a little something about me and what I’m like. I have expensive tastes. I ate an entire wedge of brie and jam baked in dough the other day, as a snack. The crackers? Well, let’s just say more than a few very young people died in the cracker mines of a small country, the name of which I will not disclose here, in order to get me my crackers. But that’s globalism.

So, aside from indulging my weakness for blood-crackers, working, and getting “surprise” headaches, what have I been up to this past month? I’ve been learning all about women. I don’t know everything — yet. But let’s just say I know enough to cobble together a short list of invaluable factoids that you may not have known. I impart this wisdom unto you, men and lesbians, so that you may better understand women, their physiology, how they think and what motivates them. Love women? Great! This will absolutely help you. Don’t like women? Then it’s always prudent to know your enemy.

1. Respiration.
Did you know that the air women breathe is composed largely of nitrogen? That’s right — Up to 78% of it!

This is why they need to supplement by watching the Oxygen network.

OK, I bullshitted you. I spent most of my free time for the last month playing Skyrim and reading about wolves. Did you know that a Mongolian wolf can run faster than a horse?

I’ll dust off the cobwebs and get back to blowing your minds soon. And send your problems to The MailBLAG, dammit. I have a hard time believing that my readers don’t have lots of monolithic problems that need fixing. Make something up. TheMailBLAG@gmail.com

-BLAG