Z-Day preparedness and your sex life (for men)

Blags, today I will begin with the assumption that a man’s level of preparedness for a zombie outbreak is directly proportional to how wild he drives women, in a more:more fashion. How and why can I assume this? The how is easy: I can do whatever I want. The why is only slightly more complicated.

You see, I am a man(child) with an exceptionally high level of preparedness for a Z-Day scenario. I keep a six-inch, carbon fiber kukri next to my desk at all times. (I used to keep it under my pillow, but one time I went to sleep anxious and woke up with no sideburns.) I also have a pretty high opinion of myself, so I know that women are totally into me. The way I’ve just juxtaposed those two facty tidbits demonstrates a clear causal relationship, so I’m going to thrust onward.

For those of you who aren’t in the know, Z-Day is the term, coined by Max Brooks (son of Mel Brooks, also an expert on stuff), denoting the beginning of the Great War between zombies (the walking undead) and mankind. For every casualty we suffer, their ranks increase by one, etc., etc. Like all war, it will be simultaneously terrifying and glorious and, while women are busy thinking about how they’ll make out with androgynous, pale men with vampire teeth, men are getting down to business, fine tuning weapons with low auditory footprints, gauging the strength of doors and other everyday structures, and developing several layers of contingency planning for any given situation. Women: every guy does this. It’s the human male’s nature to discern potential threats, make assessments and plan accordingly. The fact is, Z-Day is society’s single greatest threat (terrorists are bullshit), so it’s only logical we prepare for it now.

Don't tattoo yourself to look like a zombie though, that won't attract wome--shit, really? I give up; I don't know anything about women. Just do whatever the fuck you want. He looks cold, though.

Now that I’ve expressed the gravity of the veritable rabbit hole we are now peering down, it’s time to get down to brass tacks: women go wild over a guy who obsesses over any and all zombie situations. Of course, they don’t realize this, specifically. Taking the zombie threat seriously can seem both fantastical and delusional to the layman/woman. However, in the general sense, it displays intelligence, imagination, forethought and concern, and preparedness is the mother of confidence. If you don’t know why that’s important, refer to my piece on confidence [not yet written; pending research].

What it comes down to is this: if you’re ready for zombies, you’re ready for goddamn anything, even talking to women (which is way more terrifying).

Stay frosty,

-BLAG

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2 Responses to Z-Day preparedness and your sex life (for men)

  1. Bob Tomlinson says:

    The CDC released a zombie survival guide if you’re interested:

    http://blogs.cdc.gov/publichealthmatters/2011/05/preparedness-101-zombie-apocalypse/

    I think it’s just to trick unsuspecting people into preparing for actual disasters, but who can really tell? It could also be some muslim al-qaeda plot orchestrated by Obama (like bin-laden’s “death”).

    • Alex says:

      Thanks, “Bob.” I have indeed seen that CDC material, and it was running through my head when I wrote the above. Unfortunately, it’s all terrible advice and includes no mention of weapons or self defense. A transparent ploy to get people to prepare for more “likely” disaster scenarios while ignoring the real threat.

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