Blags, today I will begin with the assumption that a man’s level of preparedness for a zombie outbreak is directly proportional to how wild he drives women, in a more:more fashion. How and why can I assume this? The how is easy: I can do whatever I want. The why is only slightly more complicated.
You see, I am a man(child) with an exceptionally high level of preparedness for a Z-Day scenario. I keep a six-inch, carbon fiber kukri next to my desk at all times. (I used to keep it under my pillow, but one time I went to sleep anxious and woke up with no sideburns.) I also have a pretty high opinion of myself, so I know that women are totally into me. The way I’ve just juxtaposed those two facty tidbits demonstrates a clear causal relationship, so I’m going to thrust onward.
For those of you who aren’t in the know, Z-Day is the term, coined by Max Brooks (son of Mel Brooks, also an expert on stuff), denoting the beginning of the Great War between zombies (the walking undead) and mankind. For every casualty we suffer, their ranks increase by one, etc., etc. Like all war, it will be simultaneously terrifying and glorious and, while women are busy thinking about how they’ll make out with androgynous, pale men with vampire teeth, men are getting down to business, fine tuning weapons with low auditory footprints, gauging the strength of doors and other everyday structures, and developing several layers of contingency planning for any given situation. Women: every guy does this. It’s the human male’s nature to discern potential threats, make assessments and plan accordingly. The fact is, Z-Day is society’s single greatest threat (terrorists are bullshit), so it’s only logical we prepare for it now.
Now that I’ve expressed the gravity of the veritable rabbit hole we are now peering down, it’s time to get down to brass tacks: women go wild over a guy who obsesses over any and all zombie situations. Of course, they don’t realize this, specifically. Taking the zombie threat seriously can seem both fantastical and delusional to the layman/woman. However, in the general sense, it displays intelligence, imagination, forethought and concern, and preparedness is the mother of confidence. If you don’t know why that’s important, refer to my piece on confidence [not yet written; pending research].
What it comes down to is this: if you’re ready for zombies, you’re ready for goddamn anything, even talking to women (which is way more terrifying).